Writing Habits

One of the largest reasons I started this blog was obvious: I want to write more.

Throughout my college career, I thought nothing of cranking out 15 page papers in the space of a week. I wrote a course-specific text book in the space of a semester. And, off and on, I worked on my "novel", a sad little piece that since graduation has not seen the light of day. But I found myself craving letters, words, sentences.

Initially, I tried things like 750words.com with the idea that I would dedicate myself to working on my novel a little bit each day. But as sure as I was I could make the word count, when it came down to it, it started to feel more like a chore than something I looked forward to do. I never want writing to be that way to me. The way I wrote in the past was the absolute fury style: I would have inspiration strike at one point, grab my computer, and sit in a cafe for 8 to 10 hours (this is during schooling or unemployment) and crank out paragraph after paragraph. I'd revisit it a week later, revise my work, and then came the dry spells.

Oh the dry spells.

The headaches.

The sleeplessness.

The gosh-awful inclination to eat entire boxes of Girl Scout cookies. (No joke: I polished off two in one sitting at one point without blinking.)

Then was Nanowrimo, short for National Novel Writing Month. I actually was doing pretty well on this one: no revisions, no re-reading work, it was like word vomit for the fiction-obsessed (that sounds a lot gross-er than I meant it to...). And then one night, while sitting in a cafe with other fellow Nanowrimo-ers, my head started to really hurt. I had been tired for a week or so, but I chalked it up to writing so much in the midst of working and studying. And plus, I was right in the middle of this really great scene. I didn't stop. What writer would?

At the end of the night, I finally made it back home and into my bed, fell into a blissful sleep... and didn't wake up for 14 hours. Ladies and gentlemen, I had H1N1. Nanowrimo fell to the wayside of general illness misery.

Once again, my writing suffered.

And after recovering, writing for classes, job applications, and finishing my thesis, I was exhausted. Ready to close up Word for a while and enjoy...under-employment. No. Not fun at all. I picked up two jobs (and I still work both, by the way). That wasn't enough, so I decided to volunteer. Three volunteer positions later, I still felt under utilized. I caught myself reading at every spare moment. Project Gutenberg constantly ran on all my computers at home and work(s), so while something was loading/compiling/I was stalling, I could read a little. My Kindle (a wonderful gift from my ever so thoughtful boyfriend) was/is always with me, with three books in session at all times. From Google News in the morning to my web comics at breakfast to novels at lunch to Thomas.gov in between documents to magazines with dinner... I averaged a book every two days. I even listened to books while working. Yes, I realize I was an idiot for not realizing it sooner - I missed the world of writing desperately.

So, as part of my growth and re-dedication to do things that make me and others happy, I'm writing more, and this blog (obviously) is the embodiment of that wish. Maybe after a little while I'll be able to dust off the ol' novel and take another crack at it. We'll see...

Oh: I finished my "Apply once a week" a little early. Times two! Well, really 1.5. I didn't make successful contact with the one individual, but I did fill out yet another application for a job that though far away, sounds incredible.

And for the record, I am taking more pictures. I now just need to sit down and upload them to try and bring a little more personality to my blog. Maybe that should be the real resolution: share my pictures, not just take them!

Decision Making

There are two clear-cut types of decision makers in the world: those who research all their options before making a decision, and those who see what they want and do it. I would like to say that I'm of the former school. My mother certainly is, as in my boyfriend (although he can be impulsive if the situation arises). My closest friends, on the other hand, are more like me: we see something, we don't think twice.

My track record:
- Deciding on a college. My counselor said something about University of Pittsburgh, I applied, got in, and despite all the research my mother had me do on all the locations (all of which I was also accepted into), I said yes to Pitt. One of the best decisions I made.
- Traveling to New Orleans. I booked my tickets four days before I left the first time I was going. I knew no one there, I had only heard about it. It was amazing, and I've returned four additional times since that first trip.

St. Paul's in NOLA the last day of my visit.

- Studying in France. Two days before the dead line for a study abroad program closed, I submitted an application. Though I do have to say, I thought about this on for a full 48 hours (a longer period of time for me). A month and a half later, I was on a plane.

Black Forest during my visit to France.

But this also goes for things I don't want. Apartments, fashions, places: I can tell you in the first sixty seconds "no". But my decision making style has caused some points of tension with others. Like take for instance, interactions with my mother. She wants to know everything about my rationale. Every. Little. Detail. And yes, I can understand that that is how she works, and that I probably should just look into things a little more so I can be prepared for the absolute barrage of questions when she asks me things, but it's just not in my style of decision making. So, I am ashamed to say, I get a little annoyed when I feel like I have to justify myself or defend my decisions. I have actually given up on things I have wanted to do in the past because of the interrogations: I regret not going through with them now and that I let someone else (even someone I love and respect as much as my mom) influence my decisions that greatly. (By the way, for both traveling and studying abroad, I let her know at the last possible second. Solid call.)
In line with my goals though (see the side bar for the list), I need to "stop snarking". I would really like to work on not necessarily changing how I make decisions (that I've tried. It ain't happening.) but instead how I react to the researcher-type questions posed by others. I've come up with a few options:
Don't tell anyone what I'm planning on doing.
Tell others of my plans, but have research ready.
Acknowledge the questions that come up, but don't address them.
Point people to where they could find more information if they're interested in finding out more what I'm doing.

Obviously there are a few hiccups with all of these ideas. I'm a talker (which I'm sure you've noticed by now), so option one is a little rough. I like to let others know what I'm doing, since a complaint from family and friends all throughout college was that I am all over the place (literally) and they never knew what I was doing. So now I try to give people a heads up of my plans. So scratch number one, save if I elope. (I kid, I kid. My mother would kill me. Seriously.)
Having research ready seems like a solid option. I mean, I could be more informed about my deicison then, and I could answer all the questions that may come up. But this goes back to the original style of decision making: that's just not me. And I want to be comfortable with how I'm acting while pacifying others. Research would just get me frustrated before the fact. (Oddly, by the way, I love doing research for other things: papers, books, presentations, even travel once I know I'm going! Anyways, back to the point…) So not having my head in a happy place even before I have a conversation wouldn't be so hot.
Three and four I think could go hand in hand. Pointing my mom to where she could find out more always worked in telephone conversations and e-mails really well.
"I have the website right here! I can send it to you as soon as I hang up to you can find out more about X and Y."
It was pretty great. But in person, it doesn't work so well. When you're actually physically in front of someone, calling upon technology doesn’t jive. Time to call on strategy number three.
"You're right, that is a good point! I'll have to look into that." Ok, I have said this in the past, and sometimes it helps. I really might look it up later, but mostly for the sake if the person asks me again "hey did you ever find out…?" rather than actually in pursuit of the information (awful, I know, but I want to please people and still work in my own comfort zone). But then again, this has also backfired horribly. Instead of someone being satisfied that you've taken their point into consideration and are going to act on their advice, they are spurred on. Whether this is on the account that they are thrilled that they have offered a piece of advice you're actually going to use, or in shock and horror that you probably haven't thought about A, B, and C, if you haven't thought about X and Z. (Advice correlation? Does such a think exist?)
All in all, people really just like offering their advice. They want to be heard, and I really need to work on my receiving skills. Just like a gift, I need to smile politely, acknowledge their question, and if they remain persistent, offer a place where they can get more information.

Goals incorporated in this challenge:
Smile more
Really listen
Stop snarking
Be patient and respectful

(Sidenote: goal for applying once a week was completed this morning. Boo to the yah.)

Vegetarianism, Food Diaries, and All the Other Food Things My Family Teases Me About

"Look, LB! I'm eating meat! Does it bother you?"
"Do you want some of this delicious lamb, LB?"
"Why won't you eat the steak I made?"

Of all the things that my family, and some of my friends, don't understand, it's my eating habits. I'm a bit of an odd eater. It's not that I'm not adventurous – oh no, I mean, look at my visit to Thailand. I had no idea what I was eating 75% of the time (or more likely more, if you think about translation issues). No, it's more that I have dietary restrictions due to my body.
For example:
I'm lactose intolerant. Have been since I was really little. I can eat cheese and stuff in moderation, but straight up ice cream leaves me in pain.
I can't eat popcorn, which is a total bummer because I really love the stuff.
Meat and I just don't get along. My tummy gets upset when I do eat it, and I feel slow and generally icky for a full day. Not fun
And then there's the whole food diary thing. I used to use CalorieCount.About.com, and it worked great to lose weight, but I found myself unconsciously obsessing about the number of calories in things which lead to two things: I didn't want to eat the foods I loved, and I didn't want to log what I ate.
Logging my food and vegetarianism go hand in hand here. Yes, it's proven that people who log their food eat less, eat better, and are more conscious about what goes in their mouths (I can't tell you how much I cut down on my chocolate intake in a day). But it also helps me (and my trainer/nutritionist) make sure I'm getting the protein and vitamins I need.
What this leads to though, is me hauling around this gigantic pad of paper. Sure, could've opted for something smaller, but I'd lose it going back and forth to everything I do every day. And when it's really inconvenient, sometimes I leave it at home. The food journal still does it's job: I think about logging something before I eat it, and it often (sometimes) makes me think twice about eating that extra piece of cake.
We'll see how long I can keep it up, but I've logged four days in a row now! Whoo hoo!

Algorithms in QA and Projected Belief Patterns

I'm no math major, in fact, I hate number crunching and mulling over mathematical theories for hours on end. My eyes glaze over and my thoughts wander. But this, this stuff is facinating. It's almost up there with risk assessment, which also includes some minor equations. The numbers that I come up with in these situations have weight to them. I know what they mean and what I can do with them. I suppose if I was interested in engineering or physics, I'd love those projected paths and symbols. But instead I'm head over heels for slipping into some one else's destructive mindset and projecting the likelihood and potential damage of an attack. Not only that, now I can create a scatterplot-like layout that allows me to look at something like, say, an out break of the flu and determine if it's really just that or something that has more severe consequences.
And they want me to go into something other than Homeland Security. The advisors don't seem to understand: this is what makes me tick. I don't understnad how anyone could find anything else so driving. These studies are what push me to create a safer community and nation while making me challenge myself in stimulating and invigorating ways. Thinking like this is a natural high. There's the strain, the release, and the rush of figuring things out.
I know I titled this entry very specifically to deal with QA and PBPs, but I can't actually get into a whole lot of it on here. It's something I can't explain more for the reason that there's so much research going on with it right now. Once results are published, I'll explain more.

Little Girl Dream

Call me sick, but some days I just like to imagine what I'll be like when I "grow up". I know I'm old now in my inner child's eyes, but there's some things I still haven't done so I can dream about them. Like getting married. Sad, I know, but I think about it when my brain isn't devising escapes to far off places or working rock problems or playing with critical assessments of buildings. In other words, this is a once in a blue moon thing.

The Idea:

I'm a traditional girl. I like filigree rings from circa 1920-1949. That one has to be my favorite. It's from 1939 and is beautiul. I haven't found the dress because I have a feeling it'll be like my prom dress from way back when. Pretty, traditional, low cut, tight around the waist, and THE FIRST ONE I TRY ON. I'm not really for dress up. So much for the "girly-girl" image.

Other thoughts for today:

I'm curently reading "The Secret History of the IRA" which provides me with an international perspective on IRA weaponry deals. I also picked up "Terror and Consent" and "The Master of Disguise", the first one being commentary on the necessary steps the authors believes should be taken in these new wars and the latter an interview with a CIA ex-op. It's sweet. I also plan on picking up some books on Pakistan later this week. I can't shake this feeling that once Bush is out of office, that whole front is going to change. I'm a little afraid and I'd rather know what's coming before it smacks me in the face.

But, honestly, I'd rather think about a fairy tale wedding right now. Too bad there's no Prince Charming.